garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
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Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.