[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
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My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning