[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
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3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
I’m literally crying
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
i love modern commerce
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.