[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
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“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
But wait…
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class