If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
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PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
United Steaks of America
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Worth the read.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
work smarter, not harder
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.