Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
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me: why鈥檇 you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it鈥檚 my eyes isn鈥檛 it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they鈥檙e hazel
cop: so mysterious
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I鈥檇 love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
*On death bed*
Me: I鈥檝e killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
who鈥檚 ready for the long weeknd?
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
It鈥檚 like the police helicopter that鈥檚 been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn鈥檛 even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
馃幎 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?