Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
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Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.