Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
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I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run