GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
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Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be