GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
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I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
step 6: release the wall snake
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.