GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
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oh sorry i cant im busy that day
monday
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
New mindset, who dis?
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.