GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
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[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
work smarter, not harder
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos