Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
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What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
(Gaming support cat.)
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not