Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
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My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
he looks great for his age
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit