@DamonHunzeker: Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
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@BlindChow: GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge? ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend GOD: who? ADAM: u don't know her she goes to a different school
@Brianhopecomedy: My wife: "What are you doing?" "Having an argument on Twitter" "With a man or woman?" "A lamp."
@murrman5: Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let's combine forces and we could be the best thing since...well we'll think of that later.