HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
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[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.