You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
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Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Me in tagged photos
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.