“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
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Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?