@legsandsass: <----- gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
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@LuckoftheDraw86: Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
@realHamOnWry: [Deathbed Confession] I wish I’d listened to my girlfriend more often. Especially as I crossed the road after she yelled BUS.
@joejwest: [on Mars] ASTRONAUT: An alien! MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so A: I choke slammed it MC: What? A: Another one! MC: DO NOT CH A: [choke slam noises]
@TheSomeGuyShow: If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don't judge her, you're also eating at Applebees.