<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
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Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
my retirement plan is braless
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.