<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
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In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Monday?
No. Next question.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?