@sammyrhodes: Gave my cat some almond milk and now she teaches hot yoga on Thursday nights.
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@_ElvishPresley_: [face down in a bowl of hot soup] WAITER: is everything ok? ME: could I get a spoon or something
@DirtMcTurd: I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
@FuckabillyRex: My dog seems happy so I took her meds to see if they'd help me and I guess at least I won't have any ticks this summer.
@DurtMcHurtt: [girl I'm talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn't flexing.