[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
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my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
no one likes gloating
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.