Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
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Acronyms got me like WTF?
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
sensitive skin
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Worst bar ever.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad