Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
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dogs can find happiness so easily
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.