@VodkaThursday: Gave up on my dream of being a murderer a long time ago. I leave long hair everywhere & everyone knows its mine without doing a DNA test.
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@DrCephalopod: [doctor's office] Me: My eye hurts. Doctor: Okay. But first let's have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
@aparnapkin: Friendship: because I've said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
@dubstep4dads: *counting sheep before bed* *jesus walks in your room* "I noticed there weren't any black sheep. what's up man. we gonna have a problem?"
@Parkerlawyer: Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I'm getting a lawnmower for Mother's Day there will be bloodshed.