@VodkaThursday: Gave up on my dream of being a murderer a long time ago. I leave long hair everywhere & everyone knows its mine without doing a DNA test.
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@PhoenixRises69: iPhone 5s fitted with fingerprint recognition. I'll sleep easier knowing that if my phone gets stolen, they'll likely chop off my hand too.
@BMcCarthy32: NFL catch rules are absurd. "Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn't accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete."
@BubblesnBooze: My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
@Tommytoughstuff: ME: I heard glasses make you look smart. FRIEND: That's true. [LATER ON A DATE] DATE: Hi. ME: (wearing 20 pairs of glasses) Who said that?