Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
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[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*