Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
You Might Also Like
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
saw this in a dream
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.