Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
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[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
she has a point
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.