Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
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Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Dammit Chief not again
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?