I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
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GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.