[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
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nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.