@ShortSleeveSuit: Gazing at nature's majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I'm drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
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@TweetPotato314: Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places. Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me? Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
@ABurgerADay: [first day as car salesman] Customer: Cargo space? Me: Car no do that. Car no fly. Manager: Can I see you in my office?
@Writethatdown12: I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.