*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
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god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
just left a huge legacy in there
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.