Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
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me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”