Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
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Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!