Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
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I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
this is so top tier i cant
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.