Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
You Might Also Like
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.