General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
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LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”