General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
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I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
what?
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours