Generation gap…
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Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Art by Pastelkatto
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds