@Fred_Delicious: To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I'm not justifying your monthly subscription of $0

@GrantTanaka: marriage counselor: you can't run away from your problems me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start wife: I can hear u

@o__0Dev: Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.

@JasonLastname: 1. have a child 2. never mention it on facebook 3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos

@SexyInsomniac: I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said "I wouldn't have picked him first either."