Generation gap…
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My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife