Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
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It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
My hips? Compulsive liars.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.