@Camel_Crushin: Genesis is my favorite rock group who've been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
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@themiltron: FRIEND: What 3 books would you have on a desert island? ME: My first book is more books. F: What? These aren’t wish— M: Second book’s a TV.
@jeffreyvanclea1: if a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ..i just get in the back seat
@beefman138: I'd congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here's a sympathy card and a case of wine.
@mommajessiec: Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.” 7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?” Me: “Yes.” [4 minutes later] 7yo: “What about pants?”