Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
You Might Also Like
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip