“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
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Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn