Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
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Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]