Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
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Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.