Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
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“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now