GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
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You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Rich people don’t understand cereal
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!