GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
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A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.