genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
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5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
I came this close!!!!
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.