*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
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The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂