genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
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[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
You are not alone 💚
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show